One of the most difficult of conundrums during and after divorce, is how to handle exchanges of custody of the children while in conflict with your ex-spouse. Hopefully this post will provide a template and suggestions regarding what to do if you and your ex-spouse are in a situation where either there has been an order for protection from abuse (PFA) issued, or are you have concern that your ex-spouse will attempt to create a situation, where a PFA or other legal action against you can be requested. Obviously, avoiding being in the presence of the other party is the best advice, but if there are children sometimes contact cannot be avoided.
Our scenario assumes that both parties are living separately and that the custodial exchanges of the children either occur at someone’s residence or the parties meet at a designated spot for exchange of custody. Even when the level of conflict is minimal, when custodial changes are required, there is typically either a custodial exchange at a public location or at one of the parental residences.
If you are concerned, that your ex-wife or husband is scheming to obtain a PFA against you for the purposes of gaining leverage during the divorce process, the best option for custody exchange is a public place where there will be people around to observe the exchange. Suggested locations include parking lots, shopping centers, malls, convenience stores or shopping centers – locations where there will always be witnesses to your behavior if your ex-spouse begins acting out.
The take away: If you are concerned that there will be a situation where you believe that there is the potential for significant conflict or abuse, then a public exchange of custody is recommended.
Also, you might want to think about using your phone as a recording device or a video device if your spouse becomes particularly verbally abusive. Having a video of the incident may be very helpful to you in proving the nature of someone else’s behavior – although you should tell the individual that you are videotaping. Often taking out your phone and indicating that you will be videotaping the abusive behavior will calm them or compel a semblance of behavioral control.
If you are making an exchange the public location and you believe that there is a strong likelihood of conflict, I would strongly suggest that you drive up in your car near your ex-spouse and remain inside the car. You should either call your spouse or children if they have a phone, asking the children to get out of your ex-spouse’s car and come to your car. If they are too young, roll down your window and call them or beckon. If the other parent gets out of their car and starts being verbally abusive get your children in your car and roll up your window and drive away. Try to stay in your car. Try to open the doors of your car from the inside to let the children into the car. This prevents the other party from touching you and controls the situation as they cannot accuse you of abuse or wrongdoing if you remain in your car and drive away. Staying in the car is both self-protective and avoids any potential for physical contact /conflict regarding your ex-spouse.
If you are dealing with an infant, staying in your car will be difficult or impossible. Nevertheless, do your best to get the child and put them in your car as quickly and with as little contact or verbalization as possible. If your spouse wants to discuss something, tell them you are in a rush and will contact them later. If they impede your ability to leave, then simply say that you are in a rush and try to leave. If they try to prevent that, then hold up your phone and dial 911 and ask them if it is necessary to call the police. You are in a rush and must leave. Then either call the police or leave as quickly as possible. It may be advisable to bring a family member or friend with you if an infant is involved, but make sure that they understand that they are there as an observer and that they should not get into a verbal or physical altercation with your ex-spouse.
If you are compelled to have a custodial exchange at your place of living and you have concerns about combative or violent circumstances, you can handle the situation in several ways. If you are living in an apartment you can have a doorman get the children or do the exchange in the lobby or if the children are old enough and independent, you can simply have the children come to your apartment.
If you are compelled by circumstances to have a custody exchange with your ex-spouse on your doorstep, I strongly recommend that when your spouse appears at the door to knock on the door, either speak to them through the door or open the door keeping your foot or a security device on the door so that it will be difficult for them to push the door open. Make sure that your ex-spouse does not come in your house and let them know they are not invited inside. Ask the children to go inside open the door enough to let the children in and then say thank you very much and shut the door. Thus, if there is a conflict or another issue then the individual can be told that they are trespassing and you can call the authorities. The important thing is to keep the closed-door between you and the individual and not allow physical contact between parties. If you are very scared you can dial 911 on your cell phone and have the button to connect ready to push should you think it necessary. Better to be safe than sorry in these circumstances.
If you are the man often your ex-spouse will want to anger you so that you do something or say something that will result in a PFA. Remember that the bar for obtaining a PFA can be very low in many jurisdictions. In my experience, it is much easier for a woman to get a PFA then a man. I have personally been involved in legal circumstances where a female ex-spouse was a violent alcoholic who was physically abusive and threatening to her children and her ex-husband – including physically abusing the children and the ex-husband in front of witnesses while observably intoxicated. Even with multiple witnesses indicating to the sheriff’s office that the female ex-spouse was the abuser and was an alcoholic, the sheriff’s office still indicated they were unwilling to provide the PFA to the man because he was a very large muscular individual. When the man asked the sheriff, “What he was supposed to do if the woman pushed him over the edge” – the sheriff told him not to “screw up.” So irrespective of the fact that there is not supposed to be gender bias in the determination of who can obtain a PFA – as a practical matter, gender bias exists.
The takeaways: Keep away from physical contact with your ex-spouse. Have a car door or some other barrier between you and your ex-spouse. Make sure that you can have witnesses and use your cell phone to record behavior if the exchange results in abusive or violent behavior. Try to avoid situations that will incite conflict during custodial exchanges as they can be very damaging to your children.
As always, be the best person that you can be. Set an example for your children and do your best to remain calm what must be an incredibly difficult situation.