I know that I typically write about basic tenets of family law in the majority of my posts but this post is going to be a bit different. I wanted to talk about how it feels or how it can feel to be divorced and alone. Obviously, this experience is different for everyone and at the same time, the experience is the same. It can be very difficult to search for relationships. It can be even more difficult to be in them. Generally, we have our damage arising from the things that injured us in our marriage and our divorce. We have our needs arising from our childhood and other relationships. It can feel an impossibility to believe that our needs can be met.
I wish that I had a panacea for everyone. I wish that in this blog I could give you the essence of wisdom so that you can navigate your lives. I can make some suggestions though and hopefully they help you.
Know who you are. If you don’t know who you are then you can’t figure out what you want in a relationship. What I mean is that we desire love so powerfully that we tend to let who we are be subsumed by the needs of their relationship and we stop doing the things that make us who we are. We give up exercising, hobbies and interests in the service of a relationship and these well meaning sacrifices compromise who we are. We lose ourselves in the pursuit of love. This is not to say that compromises are not a necessity in relationships – but have a boundary.
Know what it is that you want in a relationship. Have an idea what you need. Unmet needs and expectations are the heart of all suffering in relationships. If you want someone who values responding to texts, make this clear. If you want time to exercise, make this clear. If you need someone that mothers you or fathers you – know you need that and don’t be afraid to find it. Don’t be afraid to look for and ask for what you need. If your needs are not met, you can not be happy in the relationship.
Value your children if you have them. If you do not value your children or you value your relationships over them, then you need to revisit your priorities.
Do not be afraid to be alone. This is the very hardest thing to achieve. We all want love. We all want to hold someone and be held. Even the strongest most internally driven person needs love and support.
But do not let fear rule you. Do not make decisions based upon fear of loneliness. This is not easy and sometimes it is the hardest thing in the world to admit to yourself that you are not in a place that allows you to be in a relationship. Loneliness is no joke – but sometimes it helps us find ourselves and take care of ourselves.
Good Luck. I leave you with a Morrisey song that is somewhat apropos.