Relationships Post Divorce
Love relationships immediately after separation tend to be a difficult prospect. Individuals are often in a vulnerable state during the beginning of the divorce process. Immediately getting involved with someone during your separation is fraught with difficulty. The marriage erodes and break and you are miserable, lonely, even afraid. You meet someone new and you hit it off right away. Your relationship deepens. You attach quickly. It all seems so perfect. However, even if you think you love this new person and you firmly believe that they are your soul mate – statistically, such relationships do not last. Such relationships tend to be a crutch or a bridge to independence from the marriage. There may be a reason they call them rebound relationships.
Although not everyone is in this position – most people at the beginning of a separation are not in a particularly rational state either intellectually or emotionally. We are trapped in the middle of something similar to fight or flight response and whether we realize it or not, we are looking for emotional lifelines. Everyone needs support during the hard times that naturally occur like the waxing and waning of seasons (thanks Seneca[1]) during a life. Usually our love partners provide that support and failing obtaining what we need from our partners, our friends and family become more important emotional resources.
The often-unpleasant reality is that during a divorce the concerns can be overwhelming. One can feel angry, lost and out of control. Often people make the mistake of depending on children to provide emotional support. They look to the children for the emotional support, love and sustenance they need. However, remember that children will be needing support from you – so expecting them to provide an adult parent with emotional support is not really an option. There may be embarrassment regarding the reasons for the divorce that makes you uncomfortable discussing such things even with friends or family. If you had an affair or were unfaithful, even if your reasons are supportable, your friends might be rejecting of you and thus unavailable for emotional support. Because of this emotional void, you attach even more firmly to your compatriot in the infidelity or to another person.
Watch out. A new partner who tells you that they love you, that they need you and who provides you emotional support and other emotional benefits can be very seductive in your time of need. Please be aware of your vulnerability. You may love love this new partner like you love a crutch.
Your new relationship becomes about discussing your ex-spouses, your divorce and the divorce process – and very little else. I suggest that you take a step back and really look at your relationship. Most of these initial relationships are about the process of emotionally separating from the marriage and in part getting validation for the breakup. Such relationships are often the cause (in infidelity) or the means of an emotional break from the marriage. They are the repository or the medicine for fear and uncertainty. They are the potentially selfish basis for emotional support needed during the process.
I would suggest that you think about your relationship and think about what is going to happen in a couple of years when the stress dissipates and you have adapted to the new reality of your life. Will you really still be there with this person? The statistics are against you.
[1] https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/seneca/