A friend of mine in one of his more sanguine moments said to me about my marriage that we both must have what he referred to as the, “loyalty gene.” We don’t and didn’t cheat on wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, whatever. Who knows if the desire to be loyal is a genetically inherited trait. I am sure that someone may study that and perhaps there is a genetic test for loyalty in marriage that we will be able to take in the future. Who knows? Now, unless you know about someone’s past behavior and believe that it is an indicator of future actions, it is a crapshoot. Suffice it to say that I never cheated on my spouse or even felt the need to do so. I can’t even imagine doing anything like that now either. It just seemed to me to be so illogical – even beyond the ruination of trust and relationships it causes.
Believe me your affair will end badly. It will end with a poor result no matter what you do. Your partner in crime ends up either loving you like crazy – in which case they decide that they must immediately tell the world about you – which of course will blow up your world, wreck your marriage and make your children permanently hate you for what you did. Or, perhaps the individual decides that they hate you because you won’t leave your spouse or they hate you when try to end the affair and of course then they tell your spouse anyway and your life is wrecked. Or perhaps out of guilt or boredom they end the affair when you are still in love with them, in which case you feel both incredibly guilty if you are normal and you live in pain because of what you did. Not a bunch of good endings, is it? Not to mention that you let another person have a powerful hold on you and they have the ability to wreck your life. Sound good?
Not to mention how do you manage to look in your spouse’s eyes, let alone look in the mirror? There must be real sociopathy or anger to hurt someone that way. I know that I just don’t have whatever that emotional capability to cheat inside me. Who knows if that is good or not. I am not going to sit in judgment – everyone has their reasons.
There are a ton of statistics about infidelity in marriage. Some statistics indicate that over sixty percent of people cheat. That blows my mind. Six out of every ten married people? I just can’t believe that. Some statistics say it is closer to thirty percent – which still is pretty bad – but that amount is much more believable. Apparently, the divorce rate in the United States is around fifty percent per The American Psychiatric Association. That is bloody rough, isn’t it? Half of all people get divorced.
I am going to make a broad statement which may upset some people. Divorce is ok. Really. Sometimes it is better for both parties and the children to not “stay together.” Know this. You are not a bad person. You are not a failure. It is not morally wrong to get a divorce no matter what you swore when you got married. However, cheating isn’t the way to go about compelling the result. That’s just my opinion. Remember you still have to trust your ex-partner after you get divorced, especially if there are children.
I just don’t see another secret relationship or another person as the solution to the problems in a marriage – which in my non-psychologist lawyer opinion, comes from people getting upset because they are not getting what they want out of the marriage, whether that be love, respect, support, sex, attraction, whatever. It is my perception that unmet needs are the end of most marriages. When I got married I swore to love, honor and respect my ex-spouse and that is what I tried to do for the thirteen or so years of my marriage. I am not sure that I did it in the best way, but I did my best and I accept that I was an imperfect husband and am still an imperfect father. I try with every cell in my body to improve every day. The thing is, I can look at myself in a mirror just fine with all my imperfections and faults – which are legion. I can look my children in the face just fine.