The root cause of much of the anger at ex-spouses is their effect on your life – even though you don’t want them around you and have no connection with them. It is difficult to fathom how someone you just want to go away is effecting your actions. Use the strategy of trying to see the ex as a company or client that must handle. I endeavor to take the emotional content out of the equation so that I can merely be irritated rather than infuriated by the effect of their decisions.
I am not saying that it was easy. In fact, it is very difficult. Here are some actionable things you can do when you get pissed.
- Remember that no matter how pissed you are that this anger is occurring in just one moment. Every breath that you take is a moment in your life that passes. Everything passes. Anger passes.
- Try your best to see the absurdity of the situation when you are angry. It isn’t easy, but if you take a step back you can typically understand that the moments of anger are funny rather than painful. Keep your sense of humor.
- Step back. Try to step back from the moment. Think about the bigger picture. What is anger doing to you right now in terms of your emotional health and decision making? Get some distance.
- Take yourself out of the situation. Say someone is calling you – find a way to get out of the situation so that you can get back your calm and prepare yourself for handling the issue that is upsetting you. Give yourself time to plan.
- Remember that it is not about winning. The ex is an adversary and it is natural to want to compete. Make the decision not to compete – make the decision to understand.
- Avoid saying the word, “No” like the plague. When you say “no” you create further discord. Say instead “Yes, but . . .” Look for agreement not negation.
- Stop talking and listen. Yes. Just stop talking, arguing and fighting and really listen to or see – not just look at the other party and truly hear what they are doing to themselves by arguing with you. You were just doing the same thing to yourself that they are doing to themselves. Do you want to be a mirror image of them?
- Figure out how you can both get what you want. You would be surprised how easy it is to negotiate – and just how bloody hard it is to do it rationally, when you are angry.
- Yes. You heard me right. Give in and give the other person what they want. Tell them that you are doing it not because of their threats or anger but because you simply want to get along. See what happens in the future. It can’t hurt to try. Try an olive branch.
- Let the lawyers handle it. If you just can’t handle the emotion, then let your lawyer handle the problem.
- Ask for a parenting plan to be worked out if the problems are insurmountable.
The key ability in these suggestions is the capacity to step back from emotion. When you step back, it will give you a measure of control and the ability to handle the slings and arrows your ex throws at you.