I hope to provide you with some basics for effective and safe communication during divorce – especially when emotions are high. There are numerous methods of communication with ex-spouses in divorce. They are (1) Face to Face; (2) Some variation on Skype; (3) Telephone; (4) Email; and (5) Text. Obviously, I am sure that one could come up with more obscure means of communication if one tries – but the above-mentioned methods are the basics. It is easy to talk to your ex. It is easy to yell and scream at your ex. However, at times when emotions and interests conflict it is very hard to communicate with your ex in an effective manner.
Face to face communication is effective because you can look into the eyes of your ex-spouse. It is more difficult to lie and dissemble when a spouse is confronted face to face. Also, one can gauge emotion when speaking with someone. If your personal skills are good, it may even be diffusing to speak with your ex and show kindness, understanding and empathy. However, when one spouse is angry or upset enough to be irrational, it can expose you to both danger and the inability to prove what was said. If you are in an emotionally charged divorce then we would advise that face to face communication be minimized and that if face to face communication is necessary that such contact occur in public, hopefully with a friendly witness around.
Skype or Facetime gives many of the positive benefits of face to face communication without the potential danger. You can see the other person’s face and if necessary you can end the conversation by pushing a button if the contact gets too heated. If you feel like you are in danger or have a PFA, then this method of communication is likely best, depending upon the wording of the PFA. It is also an excellent method of contacting your children if you are away on business or cannot be with them during a designated custody time. One of the negatives of Skype or Facetime is that it is harder to record the session should things go south.
The telephone has the benefit of convenience and direct contact. However, you cannot see the “whites of their eyes.” It is easier to lie on a telephone and you cannot ascertain where someone is with your children when you call the cell. However, calls are easier to record and easier to hang up.
The reality is that even hearing your ex-spouse’s voice can be anger producing and frustrating. Given the history of escalation of anger and past argument, sometimes it just isn’t a good idea to communicate by voice and given that situation, the following methods are more reasonable.
My office loves e-mail. It is easy to save. It allows for crafting and eloquence that often can’t be expressed in live conversation. It allows for self-control in the message that you want to convey. If you take the time, you can say exactly what you want to say in an email. Email is easy to record and it lasts forever. Some advice- when you are, mad and feeling righteous anger and you draft the most excoriating and perfect e-mail to crush your ex-spouse, before you send it, read it. Be happy with your brutal eloquence. Enjoy1 Then erase the damn thing and send a reasonable e-mail devoid of emotion – even if you must wait several hours to get over the anger. Email is great because it is permanent and easily kept and recorded – and used as evidence in Court against you. Be smart and communicate.
Texts are good. You can screen shot them and if necessary the past ninety or so days can typically be subpoenaed – but the fact is that email is better. For casual communication text works. Otherwise, texts are harder to record. We suggest keeping text to casual communication but with anything of import including scheduling or custody – use an email.
Sadly, sometimes minimizing contact is the best method of avoiding conflict until things settle down.
The most important secondary takeaway is to endeavor to be your best self. Do your best to be kind and empathic, even if it is the last thing you feel. Such actions will never hurt you. Frustrate you yes, perhaps upset you, yes – even anger you, yes. But you will be better and stronger for it all. Be a better person for your difficulty rather than allowing your pain to make you into a person you cannot recognize.