Author: bretrgoldstein@gmail.com

Watch your children.   Divorce rocks their world.  They are the only innocents.

I am not a psychiatrist and psychologist so I am not qualified to tell you how to do anything actionable if you think there might be a problem.  However, I can say that as a parent, watch your children.  Communicate.  Ask them how they feel.  Be patient with them.  They may act out.  They may not talk much.  Just watch them.  Take them to a therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist.  Don’t avoid the situation and don’t be afraid of what they might say.

 

Don’t get bogged down in the minutia.  It is easy during the divorce process to think tactically rather than strategically.  What I mean by this is that you get worried over the small indignities and arguments in the divorce.  Examples of this are when an ex-spouse turns up late for things, drops the kids off late, fails to properly reimburse you for expenses and in general is uncooperative over schedules.  These things are of course caustic and difficult to handle in the moment.  However, they are far from the important strategic issues in the divorce. 

Strategic issues are for instance, getting your divorce decree!  Getting appropriate support in a Court Order is also a strategic goal.  Getting a good custody agreement that covers the bases needed in the agreement is another example.  Getting to a point where assets can be agreeably divided and a proper Property Settlement Agreement(PSA) reached is yet another important example.   These are the major tracks or issues you must confront during a divorce and thus should be your primary goal orientation.  Everything else is an impediment to that process – even if it seems like each individual issue is extremely frustrating and important at the moment it occurs. 

Think about it this way – wouldn’t you feel great right now if you had a signed PSA, custody and support agreement and were awaiting the Court’s final Divorce Decree?  If you could have that right now would the source of your current frustration and anger seem minor?  Would you put up with the minor momentary irritation to get what you want?  You bet you would.  Most rational people would.  This whole blog is an argument for rationality and self-control!

Frankly, as a matrimonial attorney, getting constant calls and emails from clients about the relatively minor things which require attention tends to run up the cost of the divorce as well.   As counsel, you end up getting caught up in the weeds, putting out one fire after the other for your clients instead of going where your client really wants to go – which is to finally get divorced.   After these fires are put out for the moment, the client gets angry at you because they are not divorced yet and the cost is prohibitive – money all wasted on for example: someone who is fifteen minutes late all of the time not because they want to make you nuts – but typically, because they have always been the kind of person who was fifteen minutes late!

So, the takeaway here is think strategically about what your goal is rather than focusing on the minor battles along the way.  Frankly, if you can do this you are on the road to a faster, less costly divorce and you will end up being a better, more mature person who doesn’t bother to sweat the small stuff. 

I hope to provide you with some basics for effective and safe communication during divorce – especially when emotions are high.  There are numerous methods of communication with ex-spouses in divorce.  They are (1) Face to Face; (2) Some variation on Skype; (3) Telephone; (4) Email; and (5) Text.  Obviously, I am sure that one could come up with more obscure means of communication if one tries – but the above-mentioned methods are the basics.  It is easy to talk to your ex.  It is easy to yell and scream at your ex.  However, at times when emotions and interests conflict it is very hard to communicate with your ex in an effective manner.

Face to face communication is effective because you can look into the eyes of your ex-spouse.  It is more difficult to lie and dissemble when a spouse is confronted face to face.  Also, one can gauge emotion when speaking with someone.  If your personal skills are good, it may even be diffusing to speak with your ex and show kindness, understanding and empathy.  However, when one spouse is angry or upset enough to be irrational, it can expose you to both danger and the inability to prove what was said.  If you are in an emotionally charged divorce then we would advise that face to face communication be minimized and that if face to face communication is necessary that such contact occur in public, hopefully with a friendly witness around.

Skype or Facetime gives many of the positive benefits of face to face communication without the potential danger.  You can see the other person’s face and if necessary you can end the conversation by pushing a button if the contact gets too heated.  If you feel like you are in danger or have a PFA, then this method of communication is likely best, depending upon the wording of the PFA.  It is also an excellent method of contacting your children if you are away on business or cannot be with them during a designated custody time.   One of the negatives of Skype or Facetime is that it is harder to record the session should things go south.

The telephone has the benefit of convenience and direct contact.  However, you cannot see the “whites of their eyes.”  It is easier to lie on a telephone and you cannot ascertain where someone is with your children when you call the cell.  However, calls are easier to record and easier to hang up. 

The reality is that even hearing your ex-spouse’s voice can be anger producing and frustrating.  Given the history of escalation of anger and past argument, sometimes it just isn’t a good idea to communicate by voice and given that situation, the following methods are more reasonable.

My office loves e-mail.  It is easy to save.  It allows for crafting and eloquence that often can’t be expressed in live conversation.  It allows for self-control in the message that you want to convey.  If you take the time, you can say exactly what you want to say in an email.   Email is easy to record and it lasts forever.   Some advice- when you are, mad and feeling righteous anger and you draft the most excoriating and perfect e-mail to crush your ex-spouse, before you send it, read it.  Be happy with your brutal eloquence.  Enjoy1   Then erase the damn thing and send a reasonable e-mail devoid of emotion – even if you must wait several hours to get over the anger.  Email is great because it is permanent and easily kept and recorded – and used as evidence in Court against you.  Be smart and communicate.

Texts are good.  You can screen shot them and if necessary the past ninety or so days can typically be subpoenaed – but the fact is that email is better.  For casual communication text works.  Otherwise, texts are harder to record.  We suggest keeping text to casual communication but with anything of import including scheduling or custody – use an email.

Sadly, sometimes minimizing contact is the best method of avoiding conflict until things settle down. 

The most important secondary takeaway is to endeavor to be your best self.   Do your best to be kind and empathic, even if it is the last thing you feel.  Such actions will never hurt you.  Frustrate you yes, perhaps upset you, yes – even anger you, yes.  But you will be better and stronger for it all.   Be a better person for your difficulty rather than allowing your pain to make you into a person you cannot recognize. 

I had mentioned exercise in an earlier post and I want to discuss it a bit more in depth as I think that it is very important to get as much exercise as you can during the divorce process.  It can be lifesaving.   It can lead you to a better you.

As I had mentioned, exercise has a multitude of benefits.   I have seen many men and women after the breakup of their marriage, fail to take care of themselves and fall into depression.  Many people drown their sorrows in alcohol and are by drinking, essentially self-medicating their depression.  These people gain weight and tend to look harried and worn.  Frankly, this sets a bad example for your children and can begin to affect your job.  If your physical presence degrades, many will make the perhaps false assumption that the quality of your work or your parenting has likewise degraded.   People tend to judge a book by its cover.

I cannot give you any secrets as to what exercise to do.  However, I strongly suggest the use of weights.   I suggest joining a gym and getting training on how to lift weights effectively, correctly and safely.  While I am not a strong advocate for home exercise, I think PX90 is a good program if you are embarrassed to go to a gym.  Also, CrossFit, when you are handled appropriately by your trainer, can also be transformational.   However, anything including running, bicycling, dance, hiking, horseback riding can be helpful.   The important part is to get exercise with good frequency. 

As far as weightlifting I would strongly suggest getting to a trainer and getting them to teach you how to squat, conventional deadlift, standing military press, bench press, incline press and perform pull ups.  If you concentrate on these exercises as your primary focus and follow a healthy diet, you can make transformational changes that are huge.  There are tons of websites proffering opinions including:

www.crossfit.com

www.bodybuilding.com

www.bodyrock.tv

Take a look.  Get started.  Take care of yourself.   If you take care of yourself and work towards being your best self, your divorce will be that much easier and you will emerge a stronger and better you.  

Unless the parties agree, the duty to pay child support for a child ends at eighteen (18), the age of emancipation and majority.   In the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, child support ends at eighteen unless the parties have agreed that support will continue for a longer period.

Pennsylvania Code Rule 1910.19. Support. Modification. Termination. Guidelines as Substantial Change in Circumstances. Overpayments., states the following:

“(e)  Within six months prior to the date a child who is the subject of a child support order reaches eighteen (18) years of age, the domestic relations section shall issue an emancipation inquiry and notice to the obligee, with a copy to the obligor, seeking the following information:

(1)  confirmation of the child’s date of birth, date of graduation or withdrawal from high school;

(2)  whether the child has left the obligee’s household and, if so, the date of departure;

(3)  the existence of any agreement between the parties requiring payments for the benefit of the child after the child has reached age eighteen (18) or graduated from high school; and

(4)  any special needs of the child which may be a basis for continuing support for that child beyond the child’s eighteenth birthday or graduation from high school, whichever is last to occur.

The notice shall advise the obligee that if the inquiry is not returned within thirty (30) days of mailing or if there is no agreement or the child does not have any special needs, the charging order may be modified or terminated by the court. In order to avoid overpayment, when no other children are subjects of the child support order and the obligee either does not return the emancipation inquiry within thirty (30) days of its mailing or does not assert grounds for continuing support for the child, then the domestic relations section shall administratively terminate the child support charging order without further proceedings on the last to occur of the date the last child reaches age eighteen (18) or graduates from high school. Termination of the charging order shall not affect any arrears accrued through the date of termination. The court shall have the authority to enter an order requiring the obligor to pay on arrears in an amount equal to the amount of the charging order until all arrears are paid.”

Pennsylvania Courts have dealt with situations where children are not emancipated after they turn eighteen.  In these cases, the child has some disability which impedes their ability to be self-supporting.

The Take Away:  Pennsylvania Child Support stops when a child graduates High School or turns eighteen (18) whichever is later in time.

 

One of the most difficult of conundrums during and after divorce, is how to handle exchanges of custody of the children while in conflict with your ex-spouse.  Hopefully this post will provide a template and suggestions regarding what to do if you and your ex-spouse are in a situation where either there has been an order for protection from abuse (PFA) issued, or are you have concern that your ex-spouse will attempt to create a situation, where a PFA or other legal action against you can be requested.  Obviously, avoiding being in the presence of the other party is the best advice, but if there are children sometimes contact cannot be avoided.

Our scenario assumes that both parties are living separately and that the custodial exchanges of the children either occur at someone’s residence or the parties meet at a designated spot for exchange of custody.  Even when the level of conflict is minimal, when custodial changes are required, there is typically either a custodial exchange at a public location or at one of the parental residences.

If you are concerned, that your ex-wife or husband is scheming to obtain a PFA against you for the purposes of gaining leverage during the divorce process, the best option for custody exchange is a public place where there will be people around to observe the exchange.  Suggested locations include parking lots, shopping centers, malls, convenience stores or shopping centers – locations where there will always be witnesses to your behavior if your ex-spouse begins acting out.

The take away:  If you are concerned that there will be a situation where you believe that there is the potential for significant conflict or abuse, then a public exchange of custody is recommended.

Also, you might want to think about using your phone as a recording device or a video device if your spouse becomes particularly verbally abusive.  Having a video of the incident may be very helpful to you in proving the nature of someone else’s behavior – although you should tell the individual that you are videotaping.  Often taking out your phone and indicating that you will be videotaping the abusive behavior will calm them or compel a semblance of behavioral control.

If you are making an exchange the public location and you believe that there is a strong likelihood of conflict, I would strongly suggest that you drive up in your car near your ex-spouse and remain inside the car. You should either call your spouse or children if they have a phone, asking the children to get out of your ex-spouse’s car and come to your car.  If they are too young, roll down your window and call them or beckon.  If the other parent gets out of their car and starts being verbally abusive get your children in your car and roll up your window and drive away.  Try to stay in your car.  Try to open the doors of your car from the inside to let the children into the car.  This prevents the other party from touching you and controls the situation as they cannot accuse you of abuse or wrongdoing if you remain in your car and drive away.  Staying in the car is both self-protective and avoids any potential for physical contact /conflict regarding your ex-spouse.

If you are dealing with an infant, staying in your car will be difficult or impossible.  Nevertheless, do your best to get the child and put them in your car as quickly and with as little contact or verbalization as possible.  If your spouse wants to discuss something, tell them you are in a rush and will contact them later.  If they impede your ability to leave, then simply say that you are in a rush and try to leave.  If they try to prevent that, then hold up your phone and dial 911 and ask them if it is necessary to call the police.  You are in a rush and must leave.  Then either call the police or leave as quickly as possible.  It may be advisable to bring a family member or friend with you if an infant is involved, but make sure that they understand that they are there as an observer and that they should not get into a verbal or physical altercation with your ex-spouse.

If you are compelled to have a custodial exchange at your place of living and you have concerns about combative or violent circumstances, you can handle the situation in several ways.  If you are living in an apartment you can have a doorman get the children or do the exchange in the lobby or if the children are old enough and independent, you can simply have the children come to your apartment.

If you are compelled by circumstances to have a custody exchange with your ex-spouse on your doorstep, I strongly recommend that when your spouse appears at the door to knock on the door, either speak to them through the door or open the door keeping your foot or a security device on the door so that it will be difficult for them to push the door open.  Make sure that your ex-spouse does not come in your house and let them know they are not invited inside.  Ask the children to go inside open the door enough to let the children in and then say thank you very much and shut the door.  Thus, if there is a conflict or another issue then the individual can be told that they are trespassing and you can call the authorities. The important thing is to keep the closed-door between you and the individual and not allow physical contact between parties.  If you are very scared you can dial 911 on your cell phone and have the button to connect ready to push should you think it necessary.  Better to be safe than sorry in these circumstances.

If you are the man often your ex-spouse will want to anger you so that you do something or say something that will result in a PFA.  Remember that the bar for obtaining a PFA can be very low in many jurisdictions.   In my experience, it is much easier for a woman to get a PFA then a man.  I have personally been involved in legal circumstances where a female ex-spouse was a violent alcoholic who was physically abusive and threatening to her children and her ex-husband – including physically abusing the children and the ex-husband in front of witnesses while observably intoxicated.  Even with multiple witnesses indicating to the sheriff’s office that the female ex-spouse was the abuser and was an alcoholic, the sheriff’s office still indicated they were unwilling to provide the PFA to the man because he was a very large muscular individual.  When the man asked the sheriff, “What he was supposed to do if the woman pushed him over the edge” – the sheriff told him not to “screw up.”   So irrespective of the fact that there is not supposed to be gender bias in the determination of who can obtain a PFA – as a practical matter, gender bias exists.

The takeaways: Keep away from physical contact with your ex-spouse.  Have a car door or some other barrier between you and your ex-spouse.  Make sure that you can have witnesses and use your cell phone to record behavior if the exchange results in abusive or violent behavior.  Try to avoid situations that will incite conflict during custodial exchanges as they can be very damaging to your children.

As always, be the best person that you can be.  Set an example for your children and do your best to remain calm what must be an incredibly difficult situation.

A divorce with children is complex and upsetting.  However, it can be a huge opportunity for you.   Remember that being the best person that you can be will absolutely help you get the best possible legal and emotional result in your divorce.  Understand that in the eyes of a Court, if you have children your divorce isn’t about you.  The lodestone of your divorce will be the best interests of your children.  No one has ever come out looking bad to a Family Court Judge during a divorce, when they made taking the best possible care of the children the primary focus of their divorce.  Putting your children first and demonstrating that set of values to a Court serves several functions.

First, mentally focusing on your children takes you out of your preoccupation with self.  It enables you to focus on the children rather than your legal and emotional situation.  It helps you avoid selfish behaviors which will look bad in Court.   Prioritizing your children takes care of the only individuals who are truly completely innocent in a divorce.  Your actions will reflect what your value system is to a Court.   If your ex-spouse acts in their own interests rather than the children’s, it demonstrates where their value system is lacking and will hurt them in Court.   Your selfless actions in favor of the children will help you maintain or increase custody.  You will be preserving your family.   This is a leadership opportunity for you.  This is an opportunity to demonstrate your character and at the same time get a more positive result in your divorce.

Using recreational drugs during a divorce can bring you a host of troubles.  Certainly most of the problems arise when there are custody determinations made by the Court.  There are two statutory provisions that apply to this:

1.       Chapter 53 §5328 The former 75 Pa.C.S. § 3731 (relating to driving under influence of alcohol or controlled substance). 75 Pa.C.S. Ch. 38 (relating to driving after imbibing alcohol or utilizing drugs).  Section 13(a)(1) of the act of April 14, 1972 (P.L.233, No.64), known as The Controlled Substance, Drug, Device and Cosmetic Act, to the extent that it prohibits the manufacture, sale or delivery, holding, offering for sale or possession of any controlled substance or other drug or device.

2.       Chapter 53 §5330 The history of drug or alcohol abuse of a party or member of a party’s household.

Using illegal drugs or legal drugs illegally can affect Judicial custody determinations.  I am sure that it does not surprise anyone that taking drugs of this nature is a bad idea with bad repercussions with regard to retaining custody of your children.  The above statutes note that it is bad to get DUI / DWI convictions.  The Court will look at this as evidence of irresponsibility that could rear its head in parenting decisions.   If you have a DUI/DWI in your past it isn’t the end of the world – but it doesn’t help.  The more remote in time it was and the more evidence you can provide of responsible parenting decision making the less it will affect a Court’s view of you.  However multiple charges will certainly make the Court think that you may have a substance abuse problem.

So.  The take away from this is that it is ok to have a drink or two – but avoid driving afterword as the consequences are quite significant. 

As far as actually dealing drugs – this may be the worst of the issues.  Given this, the Court will perceive you to be a criminal and this can be the most damaging of actions involving drug use.  Past criminal convictions of this nature must be reported and evidence of ongoing involvement in the sale of illegal drugs will absolutely have the most negative possible consequences.  Frankly, the only thing worse is if you have a history of sexual or physical abuse. 

The take away here is that if you want to keep your children you are going to have to get out of the business of selling illegal drugs. 

The more interesting question is if a parent has a substance abuse history.   Generally, Courts are understanding regarding these issues.  The two main pitfalls are first, getting caught with hard drugs and second, after getting caught does the individual get help and follow through with measures to get help and handle the condition.   Having positive results on a drug test after being caught is where an individual gets into trouble. 

The take away here is that if you have a drug problem – handle it.  Get treatment. 

 

Why is it that people think that their lives are going to get so much better after a divorce, then they had it during marriage?  The most common result is that most of the time your life simply changes – it does not get better unless you make it better.  The clear majority of people never face the absolute unassailable fact that most of the reason you had a bad marriage was in part because of your mistakes both in choosing a partner and your failure to keep the love alive.  This isn’t always true – but most of the time it is.  Also, and this statement won’t be well received, if your partner is beating or hurting you then your desire to stay in this type of relationship is your own fault.  Yes. Staying in it an abusive and controlling relationship is horrible but even if you are on the street it is better than getting your ass beaten or your emotions wrecked.  Empower yourself!

Everyone is so utterly unrealistic about divorce.  The guys think that there are all sorts of hot young women who are just dying to sleep with them.  Guess what?  If you are old and fat and don’t have any communication skills guess what will be happening?  You will be sitting at home on weekends or trolling the internet dating sites looking for love.   If you are still in good shape and have some rap and some coin then you might have a better shot – but do you want to explode your life for a warm body?  You have a warm body that used to love you.   Why don’t you both work on getting that love back?  Get some exercise.  Learn to appreciate your spouse for what they do for you.  Find in them those qualities that you fell in love with.  It is still there if you look for it.

As far as divorce making you happy – if you were a miserable person before the divorce I can bet you that you will remain miserable after the divorce.  How about working on yourself?   How about working on your body. How about working on your personality?  How about working on your world view?  How about stopping and learning how to love instead of thinking about yourself and what your partner allegedly isn’t giving to you.

Hey, sometimes you should get divorced.  I get that.  Believe me some relationships should NOT be salvaged.  However before you walk into my office please try to make it better.